Gender Roles Then and Now: What Really Builds a Healthy Relationship

Introduction: A Midnight Question

By: Ursula Rochon

Recently, I posed a simple question on Facebook:

“Your spouse just got home from a business trip. It’s 1am and they haven’t eaten. Do you wake up to cook, or let them figure it out?”

What seemed like an everyday scenario opened the floodgates of perspective. The answers reflected not just personal preferences, but deeply ingrained ideas about love, responsibility, and gender roles.

This small “social experiment” gave a glimpse into how far we’ve come in redefining partnership — and how traditional expectations still linger.

A Look Back: Where Gender Roles Come From

Historically, men were cast as providers and women as caregivers. This division was practical for survival in early societies. But as psychologist Dr. Janet Hyde (University of Wisconsin) points out, much of what we consider “natural” gender behavior is actually socially constructed. Culture and upbringing teach us what’s “appropriate” for men and women.

By the 20th century, movements for women’s rights, economic independence, and gender equality reshaped these roles. Men began embracing caregiving; women entered the workforce. What once was rigid became negotiable.

Women’s Perspectives: Care, Boundaries, and Balance

The women in my experiment revealed a spectrum of beliefs:

• Devotion and Reciprocity

  “I’d make my man something to eat because he would do the same for me.”

  “I once got up at 1am to fry catfish and serve potato salad when he came home. Twelve years later, I’d probably let him reheat it the next day.”

  
  

• Prepared but Practical

  “There’s already a plate in the microwave waiting.”

  
  

• Boundaries and Self-Sufficiency

  “He’s a grown man who can feed himself. I need my sleep.”

  “Not a chance in hell.”

  
  

• Protecting the Partnership

  One woman wrote: “If you don’t treat your good man well, someone else will.” This reflects a belief that nurturing is a way to safeguard love.

This diversity aligns with psychologist Dr. Carol Gilligan’s research, which highlights that women often balance care for others with self-care. The tension between devotion and boundaries is a recurring theme in how women navigate modern roles.

Men’s Perspectives: Redefining Masculinity

When men were asked the same scenario, their responses were refreshingly self-aware:

• Independence

  “I could’ve grabbed something while I was out. Let her sleep.”

  
  

• Practicality

  “If it’s 1am, I’ll stop on the way home. But if it were the afternoon, I’d expect a meal ready.”

  
  

• Respect for Equality

  “My wife is a partner, not a slave. I’m self-sufficient.”

These comments reflect what psychologist Dr. Terrence Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage, argues modern men are redefining masculinity to include empathy, independence, and partnership, rather than dominance or dependence.

Both Perspectives: Beyond Roles

In a follow-up post, I asked: “Do you believe in gender roles? If so, how do they define your expectations of a partner?”

• Fluid Roles

  “People should connect with partners whose idea of roles aligns with theirs. As for me, the closest thing to a gender role I expect is softness when I’m struggling. Who cooks or cleans? Whoever can, should.”

  
  

• Give and Take

  “In today’s world, gender roles are out the door. My son raises three little girls — packs lunches, does their hair, gets them ready for school — and also works construction. It’s give and take.”

This echoes the work of Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship psychologist, who has found in decades of research that successful couples are not defined by who does what, but by mutual respect and a willingness to share responsibility.

What We Can Learn

My social experiment revealed:

• Some still value traditional roles as expressions of love.

• Some reject them entirely, prioritizing independence.

• Most prefer a balance — a mix of care, preparation, and respect for boundaries.

Psychologist Dr. Esther Perel often reminds us: love today is less about fulfilling roles and more about creating a partnership that adapts.

Conclusion: Healthy Relationships Over Gender Roles

At the end of the day, it’s not about whether you cook at 1am. It’s about the health of your relationship.

Healthy relationships thrive on:

• Communication

• Respect

• Adaptability

• Mutual support

Some couples find joy in traditional arrangements, others in equal sharing, and others in fluid, ever-changing dynamics. What matters most is not gender roles — but the commitment to love, partnership, and care.

✨ Final Thought: Gender roles may evolve, but respect and reciprocity never go out of style.